'We're all so desperate trying to be understood that we forget to be understanding'

Sometimes when you tweet about you not being understood, i dont quite get it. Because i am sure i tried to understand you. With all my heart. And when i ask a question about your feelings, you just shrug it off and then say i dont care about your feelings.

Sometimes when you said 'i dont understand', do take some time and think about how i understand you most of the time. How i endured your sulking, your 'running away', basically me just being there for you when no one else was there.

I know sometimes my decisions seems like 'senang je kau cakap. You're not even in my plight. You're not a working adult' kind of thing but I was a working adult and I do know most of the feelings you felt

As we grow up, we have to sometimes deal with decisions which does not go our way and since you're in a relationship with me, i just hope you can tell me about your feelings rather than shrug it off. I'm here for you. As a pillar of strength. I know sometimes my decision making suck too. But i always try to be rational about it. Always tried to find that balance in between the decisions. Thats why you just have to trust me

A positive note for a change :-
This past 2 weeks have been an amazing ride with you. Massage 2 times, G-Max, food hunting plus countless of arguments. All in all. i love you. Please know that. Hesitate no more okay? Trust in this love that will reap you a rewarding life

The Edge of Desire

I don't usually blog but when feelings just can't be contained, 140 characters isn't going to suffice.

I am so in love with my girlfriend. I have never compared her to any girls i have ever had. i don't think i have seen any girls with a malicious intent like i did previously ever since i met her. My girlfriend has changed me. for good. I really do love her. Sometimes, i'd just go the extra mile to keep her happy.

I'd do anything though to keep her happy. I'd swallow my feelings and just let it destroy and get lost in me without it ever getting out. Most of the time. Because i have the feeling i always make her angry? i don't know why. maybe its just because I'm the boyfriend? Is that normal? I don't know. I tried finding an answer but it isn't always accurate as its more of an opinion rather.

So yeah when she throws a tantrum or calls me names, most of the time I would just take a deep breath and just hold it in. I would rather do that than hurt her either physically or emotionally because i can't bare to do that. I love her too much

However, I have feelings too and they piled up and thats why I'm blogging.

I really don't mind my girlfriend calls me stupid or what but when she says she misses her ex-boyfriend, I must admit i was feeling a bit down. I know I have said this a million times that i have to accept him to be with her. I just felt i had done a lot to make her feel that love and comfort is within our grasp and we just had to work on it. Sigh i guess i just have to learn to deal with it then. I mean its her past. I can't change it right? I mean I really don't know the feeling of lets say, my ex-girlfriend passing away while i was dating her.
The dream i had previously haunted me. The dream about the 3 of us. sighhh If i do marry her, I would probably spend the next 50-60 years thinking whether he was the one for her. And also probably during that 50 year period to brace myself lest she picks him over me in Jannah. the feeling sucks but i have to suck it in because i really love her...

Well,speaking of exes.. i really hope she does forget about her other ex whose name starts with B. For that, i just find it unfair that she is interested in following and even pity his life at the moment. I just hope she gets her priority straight and move on

Anyway, i think i have to fix my ear or what because sometimes when she speaks i really can't hear and then most of the time it turns out to be nothing or never mind(really hating it) and then it will probably lead to an argument. Haha speaking of argument, i have to admit we do argue quite a lot and sometimes i don't really know when or how did the argument started but i guess its just me and my insensitiveness and she probably agrees with this although most of the time is just small things rather hahaha

A lot of things had happened since i last blogged though. PS// I would like to say congratulations to my girlfriend for successfully finding a new job under my advices. I think it was hard for you to listen to me and my truths but i swear to Him, if you put in the effort in this upcoming job, you will get rewarded. So please please work hard, don't be lazy and be punctual hahaha oh yeah and prioritise! sometimes prioritising means you have to give up one thing though so make the best decisions in your life! don't give up! and i will always be there with you!

Love is A Verb

i made a mistake. sigh you only realise you make a mistake when you have made the mistake. I'm sorry.. but its the thought of you leaving me that scares me the most. I just didn't want you to leave me for other guys. maybe thats why it happened so regularly? cos i was afraid of losing you. The thing with A aka grumpygoat was still the most painful thing i've ever had to deal with in my life. I didn't wanna rake this up tho. I think you know this thats why you kept saying 'its hard to forget' but I'm trying very hard to bury him and the thoughts of him inside the back of my head. Theres this saying 'When you're conserved, people think that you're doing nothing but when you're doing a lot, it might turn into a mistake'. I think thats what happened here.

When you said 'embarrassing' just now, I really thought I was an embarrassment. I'm sorry. I felt like I was the worst boyfriend ever. The one who had no responsibility at all. I kept thinking how i let you down in a major way. Then when I read your blog, i realised how wrong was i in asking you to do this. You're right to blame me in every way possible. I am so sorry. and yet you still paid for it. Sometimes i forgot how selfless you are.

We're so alike in our feelings if you ever read this. We are insecure for the same reasons

Just like you but in the opposite way, all guys are threats irregardless whether its best friend or colleagues. i will brush them off unless they flirt with you or ask you out. (was it the zul guy who asked you to go out to eat? i forgot the name. and i really hate the zakir guy not to mention grumpygoat too)

Z, I only intended to love you with the best of my abilities. Im sorry if I'm demanding or naggy or sometimes sensitive or sometimes insensitive. I just wanted whats best for you. I have never intended to hurt your feelings or your health. After this incident, I am more determined now to love you even better. I really do

You might not hear me say or tweet this but I am really thankful you came to my life albeit the untraditional way which is through twitter. Since then 3 months on, we've been through ups and downs, a lot of shits but i have never thought of leaving you at all. Sure i may get angry at your mood-swings but i always tried to calm down first and let you have your silent moments which can take up to a day. For your blog question, I love you for the smile that you have and how selfless you always are to me. Your smile has never fail to make me smile too and thats how i fell in love with you. Happy monthsary girlfriend

I am so so so so so so sorry for everything that has happened. Nothing i can do to change this.

From the worst boyfriend ever