Love is A Verb

i made a mistake. sigh you only realise you make a mistake when you have made the mistake. I'm sorry.. but its the thought of you leaving me that scares me the most. I just didn't want you to leave me for other guys. maybe thats why it happened so regularly? cos i was afraid of losing you. The thing with A aka grumpygoat was still the most painful thing i've ever had to deal with in my life. I didn't wanna rake this up tho. I think you know this thats why you kept saying 'its hard to forget' but I'm trying very hard to bury him and the thoughts of him inside the back of my head. Theres this saying 'When you're conserved, people think that you're doing nothing but when you're doing a lot, it might turn into a mistake'. I think thats what happened here.

When you said 'embarrassing' just now, I really thought I was an embarrassment. I'm sorry. I felt like I was the worst boyfriend ever. The one who had no responsibility at all. I kept thinking how i let you down in a major way. Then when I read your blog, i realised how wrong was i in asking you to do this. You're right to blame me in every way possible. I am so sorry. and yet you still paid for it. Sometimes i forgot how selfless you are.

We're so alike in our feelings if you ever read this. We are insecure for the same reasons

Just like you but in the opposite way, all guys are threats irregardless whether its best friend or colleagues. i will brush them off unless they flirt with you or ask you out. (was it the zul guy who asked you to go out to eat? i forgot the name. and i really hate the zakir guy not to mention grumpygoat too)

Z, I only intended to love you with the best of my abilities. Im sorry if I'm demanding or naggy or sometimes sensitive or sometimes insensitive. I just wanted whats best for you. I have never intended to hurt your feelings or your health. After this incident, I am more determined now to love you even better. I really do

You might not hear me say or tweet this but I am really thankful you came to my life albeit the untraditional way which is through twitter. Since then 3 months on, we've been through ups and downs, a lot of shits but i have never thought of leaving you at all. Sure i may get angry at your mood-swings but i always tried to calm down first and let you have your silent moments which can take up to a day. For your blog question, I love you for the smile that you have and how selfless you always are to me. Your smile has never fail to make me smile too and thats how i fell in love with you. Happy monthsary girlfriend

I am so so so so so so sorry for everything that has happened. Nothing i can do to change this.

From the worst boyfriend ever

First time blogging using my phone. Hmm

Theres someone that ive been thinking about lately for the past month
A ive missed you. I know things have been awkward lately. We tried so hard to make this friendship going.
But i obviously screwed up. Again. Thinking ive always had a chance with you
I dont know why but you just bring this side of me that i didnt know i had. And i loved that. And the time we
met at the library and talked for hours, i loved that. Was pure conversation. This love for you was solely
personality-wise. And i think its rare given this day and age. Unfortunately, i will never know your feelings
for me because you never told me or you dont have it for me. But i refused to believe in that.
Somehow i just know you do have it..
I just think we're destined not to meet cos we're always screwing this up.
Sorry i wrote it down here instead of telling you. Human pride always intervene in our lives

hey guys
its the time of the year where i post about people who meant much to me in 2010 :)


13) Athirah

thanks for all the advice you've given me for the past year. about everything. from girls etc. fauzi has such a good girlfriend. hahaha

12) Peiqi

thanks for showing me how to make the starbucks drinks for the booth. really enjoyed my time although i was a bit slow. and you have a nice house.. apart from the dog though. TICKLE MING TJUN MORE! HAHA

11) Nazri

Bro since 2005 mendaki class. haha met at east coast. thanks for the advice and the naughty stories you've told me on that day. keke and nice bike btw. enjoyed the ride. hope to see you again some time

10) Norman

Faster come back from London! haha you golden sun freak. and angry birds freak. basically every iphone game freak. haha. thanks for the guidance at the starbucks booth. really appreciate it.

9) Syafiq

Izza and Wani stalker. grr hahaha joker of the jokers. thanks for visiting my starbucks booth even though you're schooling at SP. really appreciate it even though it was my treat. haha but then you pay me back so even lah.. Now you becoming the third member of GYM-ERS with me and zi alr. haha hope your muscle will grow. Thank you izza luver

8) Ihsan

Riffer. Tremonti freak. Alter Bridge and Creed freak. sounds like me right? ahaha had a fun time talking to you about rock music, guitars and stuff. hope to jam soon.

7) Aisyah

my mistress. not. hahah I've known you for quite awhile now. 2010 was like the year when we started talking and all. ahah thanks for the gossips. it made my nights exciting. im always looking forward to you being online. apart when im playing games lah. really sorry if u feel i never layan you okay? really busy sometimes with guitar and all. haha. i hope to see you soon... in real life. hahahah

6) Qin Fang

the cutiepie of my class for 2 terms already. haha really appreciate your kindness and all. and planning for events hahaha. stay cute alright?

5) Shahren

ex drummer of mine. we always copy one piece moves and fight against each other. hahahah it was fucking fun. and please dont expect me to treat you every time we go out. hahahaha see ya

4) Ming Tjun

Shrek. i wanna say thanks for all the car rides. especially you coming to woodlands regardless of you living far just to come find me or bring me back home. i'll appreciate that. thanks for going the extra mile

3) Fauzi

the friend i mostly hung out with apart from school friends. haha and my gym partner. bila muscle mau besar mcm aku huh? hahaha really glad you decided to gym cos before you did, i had no motivation at all. like going one time per week. bila mau game sia tu? then after you decide, we gym for 3 times per week and my god results were obvious. haha thank you

2) Farah

2010 you were a pretty big deal to me. i had no idea on how to move on or get you out of my head. Just like you are having a hard time forgetting hakim. i have a hard time forgetting you. i know i shouldn't say this. or type this now. cos its too late perhaps. i wished that i wouldn't have this commitment issues 2 years ago and just disappear like that. i know yeah my mistake. call me busted or jerk. you guys can say what you want. but i just want you to know that i really wasn't toying around with your feelings or what. in fact i can say during that time i was seriously in love with you. well...i just hope to learn something from this and don't do it again. Thanks for everything. hope 2011 will be the third time lucky to get these feelings off of my chest.

1) Haikal

What would i do without you? Best friend and classmate since 1.1.. we were really the A2 guys. thanks for sacrificing time for me to teach me some of the modules. really appreciate that. and all the lame jokes by me that you've gotta face. hahaha dont worry the lame jokes never stops! haha i hope our 3rd year will be great. after that we can graduate together. ikuzo aerospace!!

Almost 2 years ago, a friend turned to me for comfort. Me being the nice guy i am helped her cheer up, making lame jokes and such.

You wouldn't know this but on 21/08/2008, i called you for the first time and i thought i was listening to an angel. i fell in love with you that instant and i looked at you as a different person now. more than a friend.

You can ask how did i remember the date. apparently that moment i was browsing through the calendar on my phone. oh yea we had the same slider nokia phone last time. haha
tomorrow is 21/08/2010. not taking account to the leap year or what, its two years ago.

now I've decided to look at you just as a friend. It's gonna be hard but can manage..
Dont worry about love. One day you will find someone who will sweep off your feet and really take care of you. One who makes you the priority instead of an option. One who treats you like the princess you claim to be so don't lose faith about the whole concept of love. and most importantly one who makes you happy.

Oh yeah one difference is that this time, i'm not running away. I'm still your friend. Heh


after i finished typing this..


its 12 am. 21/08/2010

10 reasons why you should not be an air stewardess.

1) i'll be damn sad because i dont get to see you

2) following (1), of course later i will start missing you

3) you love your sleep. if flight is at night how?

4) Dont be the next me. i know i left you 2 years ago but that doesnt mean you need to leave right?

5) I dont know what bad stuff to do to forget you and move on if you really become an air stewardess.

6) you said you love my presence. why leave?

7) if the crew on the plane is as 'evil' as verna how? confirm later you'll get bullied

8) the uniform for air stewardess is as hot as hell. if people aka 'banglas' keep staring at you how?

9) you need to serve alcohol. haram leh. LOL

10) i love you too much to let go

roughly 2 years ago
i fell in love with a friend unknowingly
i thought i had found the perfect girl.
she had the perfect smile
infectious laugh
whiny at times, well most times but i could live with it.
there were times when i felt my heart was in sync with hers as i could sense whatever things that she could feel in her heart.
painful feelings, happy feelings.

but i blew it.
the thought of commitment went over my head.
the thought of a possibility of losing her by committing isnt something i wanted.
so i disappeared
i know these are excuses
but looking back at these 2 years i know i have regretted a lot.

right now
she still has the most perfect smile, wider than anyone ive known.
her laugh is still as infectious as ever
and shes still whiny
but now there is a painful feeling in heart
i want to take out the painful feeling in her heart
but i know i cant




cos im not hers

long time never blog eh
school has been great but boring
modules are really killing me
im only interested in maths modules
but who cares
stupid diploma
stupid course
not my dream
but bo bian.


been smoking a lot since china
and now my lungs is killing me
cant breathe properly
ill die before i turn 30
fuck what if still virgin?
lol


i had a really strange thought yesterday while i was lying on my bed
it was about my arwah nenek
i remember last time, i should be ard 7 years old, i had asthma. she took care for me. that time i was really struggling to breathe la. then she took out my lego-made-robot that i made for weeks and put beside my bed. thinking of that it made my eyes tear a bit.
when i was growing up, i pushed my arwah nenek down accidentally and now that thought hurts me more than ever.
and when she died i thought i was the one who was crying the least. but the tears that was holding me back from crying full blast is the inspiration and emotion that made me write this post.

i miss you nenek


take care